About a year ago my aunt called me. I didn’t answer because I was in shock and panic over seeing her name on my caller ID. Her number wasn’t in my phone anymore but it showed as her name. I gathered myself and decided maybe texting was a better option as far as finding out why she was calling. Was it an emergency? Did something happen to someone? I felt like, if she’s calling there has to be a reason. She just said she needed to talk. Not looking to fight, just talk. I was so nervous calling her back. I felt like my heart was gonna pound right out of my chest...
Long story-short, she had spoken to my mother and sort of got put in her place. My mother told her she had a lot wrong and really didn’t know what she was talking about i.e. our last big fight.
She apologized! She kept the conversation very brief and I couldn’t find words so that was it.
For months now, I’ve written, edited, and rewritten a letter to her. I almost sent it to her a few weeks after that call but I just couldn’t do it. Will I ever? I don’t know. Will she see this? Maybe. It is on a public website so it’s definitely possible.
To my aunt, I love you.
“I've been struggling for a while with what to do about how I'm feeling about reaching out to you. I can't really explain it, and I don't even know exactly what I'm wanting to say. I just know it's been weighing on me pretty heavily.
I'm also unsure of what this step might mean for our relationship, or rather, lack thereof, and even more unsure of how it will be received. However, even in all that uncertainty, I think that not saying anything at all would feel heavier than dealing with whatever emotions might come from us talking.
It's strange to sit here trying to find the words to say to someone who was once such a huge part of my life but hasn't been now for five years. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. I've changed. I know that time doesn't necessarily make things easier or erase the reasons things ended up the way they did but it has made me miss you.
I think part of what's making this so difficult is that I don't know what I'm hoping to accomplish by reaching out. I don't know if it's because I miss you, because I'm getting older and looking at things differently, or because there are just some relationships that stay on your heart no matter how much time passes. Maybe it's a little bit of all of those things.
I do know that I've spent a lot of the last five years trying to make sense of things, learning about myself, and figuring out what I want my life to look like moving forward. While I don't regret making the decision I felt was necessary for myself and my family, that doesn't mean that decision came easily or without heartbreak.
I think sometimes people assume that when you choose to walk away, you stop caring. But that’s not true. Sometimes you can know that distance was necessary and still feel the weight of the people who are no longer in your life.
I don't know where you stand with any of it. I don't know how you feel about me, what you've thought over these last five years, or even if hearing from me is something you would welcome and maybe that's part of why I've struggled so much to write this. I don't have everything figured out. I'm not coming to you with expectations or demands of any kind. I'm not asking for explanations, trying to reopen old wounds, or pretending that the last five years didn't happen.
I just wanted you to know that you've been on my heart, and that reaching out feels important to me. If I do send this or you do happen to see this, I don't know what happens afterward. Maybe we talk—maybe we don't. Maybe there are things we both need to say, or maybe there aren't. I guess I'm just trying to leave a little room for whatever happens, without forcing it to become something we both know it can’t be...”
That’s where I left off. I feel like there’s more to be said, or maybe there’s not, but my heart is pure. I wish her well. I miss her dearly and hope she’s happy. Truly happy.
