Hard Conversations Part Two: The Letter

I decided to share the letter because I feel that if I’m going to bear it all, then I need to bear it all.

“Hey so, I've been trying to figure out how to tell you something and I wanted to do it over the phone but I think writing it is actually for the best. It gives you time to read, reread if necessary and process before responding. But also, you don't have to respond.

Here goes... I started a podcast. It's called Raised by Wolves Saved by Grace and Coffee. I have a website and even a blog page. I know the title might bring up some feelings and I understand that. But before you make any assumptions about what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, I want you to really hear me. This podcast isn't about hurting anyone It's not about embarrassing anyone, pointing fingers, or trying to make people look bad. That's never been my intention, and I genuinely hope it doesn't become the way people choose to see it.

For a very long time I've carried around pieces of my childhood and my life that I've struggled to make sense of. Things I've questioned, things I've tried to forget, and things I've spent years trying to understand. Some of those things have affected me in ways I didn't even recognize until I was much older. I've spent a lot of time trying to heal from too many things. I've tried therapy, I've prayed, I've cried, and I've had to accept that there are some questions I'll probably never have answers to.

About 6 years ago I started writing a book. About a year ago, that unfinished book became the idea for a podcast. I've learned that healing doesn't always come from getting answers. Sometimes it comes from finally being able to talk about the things you've spent your whole life keeping inside.

That's what this podcast is for me. It's not about telling everyone what someone else did wrong. It's about telling my story, from my perspective, and talking about how those experiences shaped the person I became. I realize that my memories and experiences may not be the same as yours. I really do understand that we may remember things differently, and I'm not asking you to agree with everything I say. But I do hope you can understand that just because some things might be remembered differently by you or anyone else, doesn't mean my experiences weren't real to me. I also know that some of what I share may be difficult to hear.

I can't promise that nobody will be hurt or upset by something I say, no matter how carefully I try to say it. But I can promise you that causing pain is NOT my purpose. I'm not doing this out of anger. I'm not looking for sympathy, and I'm absolutely not looking for anyone to judge or take sides. I'm doing this because I feel like it's something I need to do for myself and other women who've been through things.

I've spent so much of my life trying to understand where I came from and why certain things happened the way they did. Now I wanna be able to talk about those things without feeling like I'm doing something wrong simply because I'm talking about them. My faith has played such a big part in getting me to where I am today. I believe God has brought me through things I didn't think I would ever get through. And I believe there can be purpose in sharing those experiences- even the painful ones.

Maybe someone listening will recognize something in their own life. Maybe they'll feel a little less alone. Maybe they'll realize that they can love their family and still acknowledge that parts of their childhood hurt them. I don't know exactly what will come from this podcast but I do know that I need to give myself the opportunity to find out.

I wanted you to hear about it from me because regardless of everything that has happened, I don't want you to feel blindsided or think this was something I did to intentionally hurt you. I'm not asking for your permission or even your approval. That wouldn't be fair. I just wanted you to understand my heart behind it. This isn't about revenge. It's not about blame. It's about healing, faith, and finding my voice. I just want to tell my story without feeling like I need to apologize for having one.

As much as I hate saying it because it feels hurtful, I know that we will never be the same as we were 20 years ago but we've made progress in forgiveness and moving forward and for that I'm truly grateful.”

To my mother, I love you.