Hard Conversations

When I decided to start this podcast, I knew there would be some extremely uncomfortable moments sprinkled throughout the whole process. I knew that telling my story would mean talking about things that some people would probably rather I keep to myself. Things that have been swept under the rug for years. Things that I didn't even know how to talk about.

But there was one thing I didn't know how to handle...

My mother.

For 10 years, I didn’t speak to her. That decision was made in pure unadulterated rage, and it's one I've had to learn to live with. Although we have since reconciled, I think we both know that things will never be as they were. How could they? Things were said and done that you just can't ever come back from. No matter how much you want to.

When I started putting the pieces of my podcast together, I found myself really struggling with something. Do I tell her? Do I just let her find out on her own? Do I owe her (or anyone else for that matter) an explanation?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I just couldn't let her find out accidentally. Not because I needed her permission or approval, or because I was afraid of what she might think. And certainly not because I was looking to reopen any covered wounds. But because it just didn't feel right. 

I kept thinking about how it would feel for her to stumble across something like that. To hear about it from someone else or to randomly see it in a post on Facebook. To suddenly find out that her daughter was telling a story that, whether she agrees with it or not, she's a part of.

While I can't control how she feels about any of this, I can control how I handle it so I wrote her a letter today. And let me ya, that wasn't easy!

How do you explain to someone that you're about to share parts of your life publicly without it sounding like you're trying to hurt them? Because that's the only part I really need her to understand.

This podcast isn't about hurting anyone.

I know I've already said this in previous posts but, it’s not. It's not about revenge. It's not about making anyone look bad. It's not about convincing people to take sides or agree with my decisions.

It's about me.

It's about my childhood, my experiences, my memories, and the things I've spent years trying to understand. It's about the things that shaped me, the things that hurt me, and the things that ultimately led me to the life I have today. And whether anyone else remembers those experiences the same way I do, it doesn't change the fact that they're part of my story.

I think one of the hardest things about healing is accepting that sometimes doing what's right for you might make someone else upset or uncomfortable.

For someone who spent a good portion of her life trying to avoid uncomfortable situations, that's not an easy thing to sit with. There was a time when I probably would have talked myself out of doing something like this altogether. I would have worried too much about what everyone else thought. I would have convinced myself that keeping the peace was more important than saying what I needed to say.

But I'm not that person anymore and that's another part of what this podcast is about.

Finding your voice…

Learning that you can tell your story without needing someone else to validate it. Learning that you can be considerate of someone else's feelings without making yourself responsible for them.

At the time this is being written, I haven’t sent my mother the letter yet and all I can think about is, how is she going to feel? Will she understand? Will she be angry... hurt... indifferent... Or will she be some combination of all three?

Because the purpose of writing the letter wasn't to change her mind about anything or to ask for forgiveness or permission. It was simply to let her know, from me, what I was doing and why.

I wanted to be able to move forward with the podcast knowing that I had handled this part of it in a way that felt right to me.

Maybe she'll never understand it. Maybe she'll never listen to a single episode... that's okay. I can be at peace with my decision even if someone else isn't.

Right now, I have no idea what the outcome of the letter will be but I do know this—

I don't wanna hide from this conversation.

Healing doesn't always mean having the perfect words, getting the response you hoped for, or even having a conversation at all. Sometimes it just means doing the hard thing, knowing you may never get the response you want, and being able to live with your decision either way.